At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
