why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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