Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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