white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
