i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
