at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
