Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
