dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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