I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
