Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
