News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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