Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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