I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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