Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
