I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
