yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.