so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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