I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.