He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.