I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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