he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
