Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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