i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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