Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She needs sedatives and a leash
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
false alarm, still single
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