is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You pole danced in your parka.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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