i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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