She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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