i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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