The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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