Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
