i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
