just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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