im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
