if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
