He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
