my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
