My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
