I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
