you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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