I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
