i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
