You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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