dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
