Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
