My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you win again, gameday.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
