I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
