I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
