piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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