Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
