4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
