my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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