you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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