Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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