apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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