New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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