I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your cock deserves a montage
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
