please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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