Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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