I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
