I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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