shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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