If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
